Missed Connections

Guy Asks the Internet to Help Find a Girl

For anyone who has watched the Philip DeFranco show, he featured this story a couple of days ago and made some interesting points and quite frankly I have to agree.  Dumb idea, kids.  (Assuming this story is even true).

Quick synopsis: a guy and a girl meet overseas.  Girl gives guy her name, photo, and hometown, then says, "find me."  Now guy is using internet to help find his missed connection.

If you're the kind of manic pixie dream girl that thinks this is a great idea, just stop.

If you think you have a serious connection with someone, why wouldn't you exchange contact information and pursue it further?  Why would you make your potential mate go on some private eye sleuthing expedition?  Why would you risk the chance that, despite his best efforts, he wouldn't be able to find you?

Dumb.

But on the flip side... was this her way of blowing off some creeper, by giving him false information and a manic pixie dream girl command that no 'nice guy' could resist, thus allowing her to escape from the encounter without having to deal with the ensuing 'hurt feelings' or further creeping?  In which case, the girl has my sympathies.  Perhaps this wasn't the best way to handle things, but that's something that often only becomes apparent in retrospect.

Still, there's an air of "Lifetime Movie" permeating this story.  As Phil points out, the guy's posts sound like the narrator of a movie.  It's a little too much.  A little too poetic, a little too perfect, a little too indie film.

And while I could certainly see this being the plot of a movie, in real life this is the kind of thing that should be sending up the relationship red flags.

Men of few words... and little substance

Boons!

We think he meant "bones."

I hope.

When Masculinity Fails Men

A study on masculinity and aggression from the University of South Florida found that innocuous – yet feminine – tasks could produce profound anxiety in men. As part of the study, a group of men were asked to perform a stereotypically feminine act – braiding hair in this case  - while a control group braided rope. Following the act, the men were given the option to either solve a puzzle or punch a heavy bag. Not surprisingly, the men who performed the task that threatened their masculinity were far more likely to punch the bag; again, violence serving as a way to reestablish their masculine identity. A follow-up had both groups punch the bag after braiding either hair or rope; the men who braided the hair punched the bag much harder. A third experiment, all the participants braided hair, but were split into two groups: those who got to punch the bag afterwards and those who didn’t. The men who were prevented from punching the bag started to show acute signs of anxiety and distress from not being able to reconfirm their masculinity.  - When Masculinity Fails Men

Vroom vroom

o_0

Gaming is for Girls

I received a message that other day that I ended up posting in my other blog since I felt that was a more appropriate home for it.  But I do want to talk about it here as well as I think this is important.

Let me start off by saying that I truly do believe this guy meant well.  Which is probably why I was so extra frustrated by his words.  It's easier to deal when a douchebag says douchebag things... but a nice person saying something problematic?  It sends my emotions all over the place.  Like I don't want to be mean because I know there was no maliciousness behind their words, but I'm also so very disappointed in them and just want to shake some sense into them.  What to do?

Well the words in question would probably be a good place to start: "I'm surprised that a girl like you plays WoW."  Out of context this may seem negative, but mind you, he was very excited at this discovery.  Which makes me want to slam my head on the keyboard...

What is a "girl like me"?  Why is it so odd that I play an mmorpg or any video game for that matter?  If anything, WoW is probably one of the most mainstream games this side of Mario.  Everyone plays WoW.  So what the hell?

So I started looking over my profile, wondering where the disconnect happened.  What made me unlikely to be a gamer?  Well, it certainly couldn't be the profile itself, which reads like a geek's wet dream.  I've always been a geek... before it was (ugh) chic.  I drew Highlander on my middle school notebook, complete with decapitated heads.  And wolves.  Lots of wolves.  (It was the late 80s/early 90s.  Cut me some slack!)  And my comic book collection is still taking up half the shelves in my parents' basement.  All I was missing was a fedora... and a penis.

So, as I'm sure you've already guessed, we're down to what I look like.  I was born and am female, in case the previous paragraph left anyone in doubt.  As a side effect of this, I have tits.  I also, completely independent of this fact, happen to like wearing make-up and really enjoy alternative fashion (as opposed to, you know, Uggs and spray tan).  So while I still feel like I pretty much fit the stereotype of a videogame nerd, I guess wearing a dress and eyeliner on occasion can really confuse people?

accurate - even if this girl isn't playing WoW

Basically what it boils down to is that an [subjectively] attractive girl plays WoW.  I'm not a greasy neckbeard basement dweller or whatever hideous hag you've conjured up as the face of a true gamer girl.  (This is seriously giving me flashbacks of the time I was asked if I was a Booth Babe - not because the guy had any reason to believe I might work in the industry... he seriously just looked at my profile and was like "hot girl + comic books/videogames = Booth Babe.")

... the stereotype

Look, unless I'm parading down the street in my Bloodsail Buccaneers t-shirt, there is nothing about my physical appearance (or anyone else's) that will clue you in on if they game.  I can like feminine things while still liking masculine things.  But just an FYI, there is nothing gendered about gaming.  At least there wasn't for the first 20 or so years of my life, before male nerd culture somehow got a stranglehold on the activity.  (Which is bullshit, btw.)

And while this guy wasn't questioning my credibility, it's exactly this attitude that leads others to do so.  It's like if a woman is attractive and into fashion (ie, going beyond sweatpants and a t-shirt) then they're expected to be vapid, anti-intellectual pleasure-objects rather than well-rounded human beings (who will pwn your ass at most video games).  I shouldn't have to constantly explain this to people.  It's gets tiring.

But circling back to the beginning -  the fact that it was surprising that I game?  That still hits me hard.  What did you expect me to be into?  I'm pretty sure it would rankle me something fierce if you told me.  Because everything about my profile screams "gamer, geek, nerd, weirdo," so you're clearly not making judgements based on the evidence provided.  (It's not like I have a pastel, My Little Pony themed profile and you're surprised that I like horror movies or some other interest that seems incongruous with the rest.)  That just leaves us with making assumptions based on my gender and level of attractiveness.  As if interests are gendered on some biological level.

Please try to understand that no matter how well-meaning you are, whenever you tell someone that they're special among their gender, their race, their class, you are alluding at all the unspoken negative stereotypes you have of their gender, their race, their class.  And suddenly that "compliment" is a lot less positive. 

You could have just said, "You play WoW?  That's awesome!"  But instead you chose to repugnantly qualify it with "a girl like you."  In the immortal words of Robert Browning: sometimes, darling, "Less is more."

Definitely... not

:headdesk:

Letting go of some pent up rage

Well, I haven't made a proper post in a while... which apparently isn't good for my mental health because hot damn did I release a bunch of rage below.  I'd almost be embarrassed... if I actually gave a fuck.  Oh well, time for more coffee.  Enjoy your treat below!

Seriously?  I'm getting so bored of this shit.

Why... why the FUCK would I want to meet your skanky, predatory asses?  How fucking old is this "friend" that I am suddenly a "younger woman" because you, sir, are barely older than me.  Why in god's name would I want to put myself in contact with people who are fetishizing my supposed youth? 

Yeah, good luck finding that.  Pro tip: stop hitting up girls for impromptu orgies and try reading their profiles first.  I find it a little hard to believe that you're actually looking for a long term companion given your approach... or are you one of those jackasses that categorizes girls as either fuckable or marriage material.  In which case, go fuck yourself because you haven't got a chance in hell over here.

Once again we have another asshole who can't seem to read or doesn't respect the fact that I'm in a relationship... and even if I wasn't, this yahoo is still clearly ignoring that I explicitly state on my profile that I'm not into casual sex or "couples".  "Bisexual" is not code for "DTF".  Get it through your thick skulls.  Assholes.

The Fake Male Feminist Chicanery by Minh Nguyen

The Fake Male Feminist Chicanery

Quite a good read.  These guys are everywhere.  They particularly like to show up as pseudo-intellectuals or fedoras.

Amy Webb: How I Hacked Online Dating

Just a quickie

Guys, I'm kind of excited.  You see, I responded rather sarcastically to someone's bullshit message to me a couple weeks ago... and well, I haven't had time to get on OKC lately because life happens, but my phone has notified me that he's responded like at least 3 times so far!  Oh gosh, what kind of negging and name calling could be in store for me?!  Or is it possible he realized he was a rude jerk and left me a mature apology?  *snort* 

The suspense is killing me!

The answer is no

Should you send a lady a dick pic?

Fat baby seal

This was pretty much just another unremarkable, probably copied and pasted, message from some dude only interested in warm bodies until... I realized he was from my home town!

To make it even better - he was like 6 years old when I graduated high school.  This is too fucking precious.  I can't even deal right now.

I also realize I'd probably be tearing this message apart by now if anyone else had sent it.  But all I can think of is this:

And I'm all like, "D'awww.  Kids these days!"

Dating sites mansplained by professional mansplainer

I'm sorry that you're so butthurt because I decided to keep my account after finding someone (not sorry).  Why do you care anyway?  It's not like I'd ever date you.

Do you go around policing all the profiles of the guys on the site who are just looking for friends too? Because I run into them a lot... and then I *gasp* make friends with them.

But mostly I'm sorry that I didn't think of a good comeback until it was too late.

Of course he's from Steubenville

At first I just thought this guy was the typical weirdo that trawls OKC.  I've never visited his profile or rated him before, we've never spoken before, first message is some random, cryptic negging out of the blue - all standard fare for OKC basement dwellers and dudebros... but then I looked at his profile.

His profile is obnoxious all on its own with the typical backwater bitching about people having too many kids and then blaming it on women as if we reproduce by budding or some shit.  And then of course he "dig[s] crazy chicks" because who else would a classy fellow like this go after?  Or perhaps, more importantly, who else would go after a classy fellow like this?

But the real kicker here is that he's from Steubenville.

Normally I censor personal information like that because while I enjoy sharing my pain with you guys, I don't actually want to cause others grief (or lose my OKC profile).  But I felt in this one instance that it was abundantly necessary to retain as it constituted a key focal point of this post.  When I saw his location, naturally my mind went straight to the Steubenville rape trials. 

Now, in no way am I saying this dudebro is a rapist, but if his neolithic attitude and behavior toward women is typical of the area then I have no problem envisioning how such a scandal was so easily and ignorantly perpetrated, and then covered up.  But also notice his age.  He's Thirty-FUCKING-One.  A veritable adult.  And this is how he behaves on the internet toward women.

Yep.

Stay classy, Ohio.

Saying it twice doesn't make it any better

Yes.

You're a little bit country... I'm a little bit PISS OFF

Genital Gum

Thanks for sharing.

Just buy a dildo and leave me out of this

So in my previous post I referred to a message that really pissed me off.  This blog is about that message.

I don't even know where to begin.  As you can see, I lost my cool when responding to this.  I feel like I need to start from the beginning of time and just educate the fuck out of the internet.

Bisexuality - Let's discuss it.

Bisexuals have just as much right to privacy as anyone else.  Bisexuality does not mean the person is "slutty", an exhibitionist, non-monogamous, or interested in you.

 Here's some helpful links:

Words that are biphobic and why
Mythbusting Bisexual Men
Bisexuality info comics by Kateordie
Advice columnist smacks down biphobe
The Harsh and Hurtful Reality of Being Bisexual

"Both heterosexuals and homosexuals view bisexuality with misunderstanding, mistrust, hostility, and alienation. These scenarios do not leave bisexuals in the situation often referred to as ‘‘having the best of both worlds,’’ because ‘both worlds are closets’."

from Attitudes and Self-Images of Male and Female Bisexuals by Carol D. Bronn

Are you starting to get the picture yet?

• Bisexual doesn't mean you're any more likely to be non-monogamous than other sexualities.
• Bisexual doesn't make you any more likely to cheat.
• Bisexuals suffer from bi-erasure when they're in heteronormative couples, and mistrust/alienation when they're in homosexual couples.
• Being bisexual doesn't make you promiscuous or an exhibitionist any more than other sexualities.
• Being bisexual doesn't mean you are interested in sex, more sexual than others, or even sexually active at all.
• It's not a phase.  We're not poseurs.  We don't have to have had sex with anyone in order to acknowledge our sexuality just as straight people and gay people know their sexualities before their first sexual encounters.
• Bisexuals aren't greedy.  They don't have the best of both worlds.  They don't need to be with a male and female at the same time and they don't necessarily want to be either.

I don't want your attention any more than I want an individual male or female's attention.  In fact, I want it even less. 

Propositioning me for sex is not a compliment.
Assuming I'd be interested in a threesome because I'm bisexual is actually biphobic.
In fact, it's mildly triggering after having some really bad experiences with douchebags attempting to pressure me irl.
Ignoring the fact that I'm in a committed relationship is rude and insulting.
I am not a fucking sex toy to fix your shitty, boring marriage.

Let me clarify a bit... I'm not against threesomes in general, nor am I against polyamory.  However people love is their business.  Love isn't restricted to such narrow descriptors.  What I have a problem with is the way couples on these dating sites go about finding extra people for their relationship (spamming bisexual women without reading their profiles, spamming women in committed relationships regardless of sexuality, sometimes going into graphic details in their opening message, etc), and, even more offensive, when they decide to treat the "third" as someone unequal to them (the original couple).  That's no longer a polyamorous relationship in my opinion; that's a couple using another human being as a sex toy.  It's dehumanizing and disturbing to me and many of my bisexual friends.  And while I respect your right to have whatever kink turns you on, that doesn't mean I need to be subjected to it on a constant basis anymore than I should have to deal with street harassment and catcalls.

I've actually had a few people, usually bi- or pan- sexual women, message me for threesomes in super nice respectful ways and I politely turned them down while keeping the door to friendship open.  You'll often notice that these people have super lgbtqa-friendly profiles... whereas the obnoxious couples tend to have extremely heteronormative profiles to the point where I ashamedly admit I question whether the women are actually bisexual or just flexible enough to play into their husbands' fantasies.  And while the heteronormative couples usually write their profiles and messages as if they're coming from the woman involved, it usually feels like it's actually the man behind them.  I guess I just seriously can't imagine another woman speaking to me like this and using such typical hetero Dudebro von Douche style dialogue.  But I could be entirely wrong.

Of course, there are also ones like this that are clearly written by the woman...

Not a threesome proposition, and certainly not dehumanizing from the text alone, but just another annoying message where the person can't take two seconds to read my damn profile.  It says "seeing someone", not "available."  It also says "friends and penpals only because I have a boyfriend," among a slew of other things.  When people can't be bothered to even read the header, I don't feel like a person to them.  I feel like they're playing the numbers game and only see me as a warm body with tits, possibly an attractive one.

I swear, some days I can't write a blog without going off on a tangent.  Back to the original topic...

I'm a person.  Don't treat me like a number.
I'm bisexual.  Don't treat me like a commodity or exotic animal.
I'm in a committed, monogamous relationship.  Don't disrespect it.

How to fail (even harder) at the numbers game

Last night I was showing one of my friends an email I received on OKC that really pissed me off when I noticed a new message appear in my inbox.  I read it quickly before turning to my friend, eyes already rolling, and said, "Dude... look at this.  It's so totally a form letter.  I fucking hate form letters!"

I can't remember my friend's response so I won't risk misquoting him, but we briefly waxed philosophical on dudes and form letters before we moved on to other topics.

Well, as you all should know by now, this ain't my first rodeo.  I looked at my inbox later that night and saw this:

Mr. Nipples is just an added bonus for all of you.

Form letter caught red handed!

C'mon guys.  If you're going to be stupid enough to send out form letters, at least be smart enough to keep track of who you send them to.  It's bad enough when my friend and I get the same one... but sending it to the same person twice in one week?  That's just epic fail.

I'm sure there's some of you that don't understand my ire for form letters.  You may even sympathize with these "poor fellows" who have been so beaten down by the system that they've resorted to copy/pasting the same message to hundreds of girls in hopes that one kind soul will take pity on them...

Look, the numbers game is great if all you're doing is looking for someone to fuck for tonight.  But if you're looking for a relationship (or a friendship), you've pretty much just fucked it up.  Let me explain how this feels from a potential relationship standpoint.  I sit there and think, This person has not read my profile.  This person does not care if we are seeking the same thing out of a relationship.  This person does not care if we share common interests.  This person is literally copying and pasting this message to hundreds of girls.  This person does not see me as a human being.  All this person cares about is that I'm a warm body with tits.

The fact that I am dehumanized and not seen as an individual is extremely alarming.  That is an aspect of misogyny.  I would rather have a drunken text of "wats up ?1" than an extremely detailed form letter, because I would at least know that the former was a genuine message for me.  That person saw me as an individual, and they broke out of their Natty Light haze long enough to fumble on the keyboard and message me.  They saw me as a fellow human being whom they specifically wanted to connect with (Yeah, I'm ending another sentence with a preposition.  Suck it).  And that's all most people want:  to be seen for who they are and to be desired for being themselves.

I know it's rough not getting hundreds of messages a day to feed your ego, but trust me - it's all about quality, not quantity.

Best Friends Forever

I think this is one of those videos that's really important to watch.

I feel like the misconception that men and women can't be friends is a HUGE contributor to this friendzone nonsense.  People who believe this may see friendship as merely a stepping stone to a sexual relationship rather than a fulfilling relationship in and of itself.  You figure you'll end up in bed together eventually... that other person is just waiting for you to make your move.  And then they date someone else and you call them a slut.  But anyway, watch the video, expand your mind, and all that jazz.

Copypasta

Guys... guys... GUYS!  Seriously, are you listening yet?  STOP PLAYING THE NUMBERS GAME WITH COPY/PASTE.

Especially if you're messaging people all in a relatively small radius.  Dude, you will inevitably message two people that know each other.  That's all I'm saying.  Well, and then lulz will ensue.

Message 1 to Megann

 Honestly, we were just guessing at this point, but boy were we right.

Apparently he quickly forgets that he's already copy/pasted his siren song to Megann once before and sends her a new message!  Don't think we were fooled by the slight alteration.

Message 2 to Megann

 

The bottom of Message 2

His two messages back to back

Message to me

The bottom half of the message to me

I bet you say that to all the girls

We literally received these two minutes apart.

Friend-Zoned

Blind Dates

Women are afraid of meeting a serial killer. Men are afraid of meeting someone fat.

—

When Strangers Click, a 2011 documentary about online dating. [read more] This quote really hit home so I thought I'd share it. We're all afraid of meeting someone who isn't who they say they are, but very rarely do I ever hear a guy friend worry that they'll encounter danger when meeting someone in person for the first time.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Dudebro von Douche

So this happened...

Message I get:

 

 Message my friend gets 3 days later:

 

This made me laugh my ass off.  Both our profiles state we are bisexual women, in relationships, just looking for new FRIENDS.  But somehow I get the nice friendly approach and she straight up gets asked for sex.  Whyyyyyy?!

My semi-facetious answer is that I'm a Libra and she's a Scorpio.  Sorry, girl, you're just giving off the sexy vibes!  ;)

But seriously, she gets way more sexual propositions than I do... and I'm the one that needs them for this blog!  Life is so unfair.

(Sorry for the resolution on the screenshots.  As you might guess, we have different phones.)

Translation please?

I... don't even know.