What a guy wants, What a guy needs

Here's a little something different for you all.  My single friend has made a list of what he's seeking in a girlfriend.  Is he being realistic?  Is he delusional?  Would you like to offer him a blind date?

It's to the point where my advice is understandably biased and goes in one ear and out the other, so I'm hoping my fellow denizens of the internet can give him a fresh perspective.  What are your thoughts?  Be honest.  Please add your constructive criticism and commentary below. 


1. No behavior-modifying drugs.
2. No drugs other than marijuana.
3. Must have car and license.
4. No vegans unless for medical conditions.
5. No vegetarians unless for medical conditions.
6. Must not be allergic to cats.
7. Must have had at least 3 past boyfriends.
8. Must be able to tolerate comfortable silences.
9. Must value logic over compulsion/superstition.
10. Must be active - no home-bodies.
11. No intimacy issues.
12. Not needed to play video games but must be accepting/not dismissive of them.
13. Must be relatively intelligent (only slightly less than or any degree more than me).
14. Must be able to make a decision, but not domineering in that she needs to make them all.
15. Must be willing to try new things.
16. Preference for those who don't mind carrying most of the conversation.
17. Must at least be seeking employment or are employed.
18. Must be able to tolerate a mainly non-expressive face.
19. Must be honest about things that are bothering her - I do not read minds.
20. Must be willing to compromise, but NOT yield.
21. Must be reliable for constructive criticism and able to take it as well.
22. Must be willing to acknowledge that there is ALWAYS room for improvement.
23. Must want children at some point in the future.
24. Must not tan via UV radiation.
25. Must not have any severe addictions (alcohol, tobacco... caffeine is OK).
26. Must have good dental hygiene.
27. No recent criminal infraction of the law - ABSOLUTELY NO felonies of any kind.
28. Must be no more than 2 years older than me.
29. Must have a healthy height/weight ratio.

Thank you for NOT reading my profile

I don't expect people to read my entire profile before messaging me (though it would be nice).  I know it's long.  Sure, it's pretty entertaining - if I do say so myself - but I certainly could make it more concise.  But at the very least I expect people to be able to read that simple little headline at the top with my name, age, orientation, and relationship status.

You see, when you don't read those things, no matter how super nice your message is, I get the feeling that all you did was look at my photo and decided to play the numbers game ("surely one of these girls will message me!").  Or you seriously just don't respect the fact that I'm in a relationship now.  Ew.

Creepers never say die!

How many times can you creep on someone, and get no response, before the little light bulb in your head clicks on?  The answer: a lot.

One of my favorite (by which I mean consistent) creepers who lives uncomfortably close to me has graced me with his presence not once, but twice in one week!  Wow, someone is sure stepping up his game.

And while this provides more fodder for this blog, it may very well be nearing the point where I will feel the need to block him as his posts are escalating in not only frequency but creepiness as well.  But in the meantime, enjoy him while you still can.

Try walking in my shoes

A male friend of mine would often claim I was being too critical/picky whenever I described to him why I would reject potential suitors from dating sites.  One of my big deal breakers was when people would send me a message of "hey, what's up?" or "want to talk/get to know each other? " 

First of all, I'm not going to waste my time responding with "nothing. you?"  If that's a sample of how your typical conversations go, then we are not going to get along.  I need actual conversation with someone intelligent enough to understand the topics of interest and think critically about them.  And those topics are *not* drinking, drugs, the bar scene, sports, cars, sex, or douchebag music.  I think everyone has a few friends that are fun to "do" stuff with, but you really have nothing to talk about.  While that's ok, it's certainly not something I want in a significant other.

Secondly, I just don't get this kind of opening.  Why are you asking me permission to talk to me after you just talked to me?!  Also, way to waste my time.  You've just taken the hardship off yourself and put the ball in my court to come up with a topic of discussion.  If you're going to message me, the onus is on you to start the frikkin' conversation... otherwise I'm going to assume you're a lazy sonofabitch who wouldn't bother picking his underwear up off the floor if we lived together.

Recently my friend decided to make his account and now he has had the fortune to be slammed with emails from all the special girls of the web.  He's been bitching to me about getting emails just like the examples above, which I find hilarious.  If only I could bring him back in time and introduce him to his former self!

If at first you don't succeed... piss off

We all know the movie cliche.  The lovable underdog never gives up trying to get the girl and in the end he is eventually rewarded with her.  The cynics among us love to point out that if you were to do this in reality you'd be considered a creepy stalker.  What do you guys think?

This guys sends me a new message every couple of months, and they always look pretty similar... and I never respond.  They just sound kinda weird and cheesy, and a little creepy.  I won't block him because - hey, free entertainment - but I'm pretty sure at this point he doesn't even realize he's messaging the same person over and over again.

 

 

I guess I should point out that he sends these messages to like everyone I know.  Pro tip: That girl you're messaging on [xyz] dating site probably has friends on there too.  Don't send out form letters to every girl in the area because they will tell each other.

Do I know you?

Do women even go for this sort of thing?

I guess I could imagine someone looking for a one night stand or someone with low self esteem or maybe just someone from a different sub-culture being OK with this.  But as a nerdy, activist, gamer chick with a well-developed sense of self esteem, I cannot fathom why this sort of thing would be appealing.  This message just comes off as immature and shallow.

But even if they had chosen a different, more innocent word, that still brings us to the issue of "pet names."

I'm sure we all have the friend who calls everyone "hun" like a waitress at some stereotypical diner.  Does this bother me?  Of course not.  First of all they're my friend, and secondly they do this to everyone.  It's just a part of their vernacular and there's nothing more to it.

Now some people only use these terms of endearment for people they're romantically and/or sexually interested in.  Still not necessarily a bad thing (totally OK for my boyfriend to use terms of endearment), but we're getting closer.

What I've come across in the online dating scene is that people will often use these pet names and terms of endearment in their very first email to me.  And they aren't innocuous words like "hun" which are neutral and can be reasonably explained as part of their everyday speech.  No, they are words like "sexy, cutie, hottie, sweetheart, etc" that are overly familiar and clearly directed at people of the sex they're interested in.  These are not the words they would use on their buddies.

The problem with this is that I don't know these people well enough or at all.  Their brazen sense of over-familiarity is uncomfortable, like someone you just met putting their arm around you right after introducing themselves.  Not only is it awkward, but in some cases it can come off as patronizing or sexist.  I have a name, even if it's only a screen name.  You would do well to use it.

Presented without Comment

Long Distance Love

An example of "I wish you were here."  Harmless, but pointless.



Although in this case it should be noted that he clearly can't be that much in love with me if he hasn't read my profile which clearly stated that I was in a relationship at the time of this message.

Formula for Fail

You are really [insert compliment here], except for [insert insult here]..
You are really [insert insult here] , but you are [insert compliment here] .

Ah, the backhanded compliment.  If you are putting one of these in your opening letter... nay, if you are putting one of these in any of your letters... no, if you are anyone other than one of my old female relatives telling me I'd look so much prettier if I'd brush my hair out of my face, then STOP.  You're doing it wrong.

The most common one I get is the "you're so hot... for a goth chick."

Yes, I listen to a lot of goth and postpunk music (and Taylor Swift, Florence & the Machine, and The Gaslight Anthem).  Yes, I have 3 out of 10 photos in "goth clothes" (one from a Halloween cosplay, one from a professional photo shoot, and one from 5 years ago).  Yes, if I was pressed to give myself a label I'd probably default to "goth" or "ex-goth" (but there's no need to pigeonhole me).  But the real question is "why is someone like this messaging me?"

It's clear they have a disdain for something about me, whether it's something that's a large or small part of my life. Why would I want to invite someone like that into my life as a significant other, or even a friend?  This just screams that you want to change me.  Or that you'll spend our relationship insulting me and the things I like.  Further more, it demonstrates how shallow you are and that you probably haven't read my profile.  Nice to know you think I'm hot, but I'm more than a body.

Not to be confused with backhanded compliments:

1. The honest inquiry for compromise - "Wow, you're really awesome and I think we'd be perfect together except that you don't like dogs (and I have one or plan on getting one)."  Sometimes you genuinely do find someone that seems perfect for you aside from their dislike of your pet, children, hobby, etc.   So before you go investing emotions in this person, you want to make sure that a compromise can be reached.  A lot of times these may be confused with the backhanded compliment (or even fall down the slippery slope towards being one) due to phrasing or a lack of further explanation.

2. The whimsical observation - "You're perfect except for your hatred of cauliflower.  That's my favorite food!"  This person isn't trying to insult you, they're just teasing.  'Oh, look at this silly thing we disagree on.'  Now I'm not saying this approach might not annoy some people, but it's harmless and well-intentioned.

3. I wish you were here - "You sound amazing!  Too bad you live so far away."  My level of annoyance with this varies depending on the day.  Yes, it's a genuine compliment, and often I just say "Thank you.  Yes, it's such a shame," but sometimes I get very frustrated.  Here's an awesome person that has just sealed the fate of our potential relationship without even trying.  Are they bad at long distance relationships and too afraid to try?  Are they unwilling to move or don't want to be responsible for someone else moving?  And why is that?  Too much pressure because it might not work out?  Do they just want to be pen-pals but don't know how to ask?  Sometimes I really wish people like this would either A) just simply declare an interest in online friendship or B) not bother messaging at all.

Single & Caffeinated

My single friend Megan has started a blog about her experiences as a single twenty-something.  Please take a moment to check it out. :)


http://singleandcaffeinated.wordpress.com/

Were-Rabbits

Sorry, I'm not into that Twilight shit.

Tacky Casual Racism

Sometimes I just don't know how to respond to messages.

[edit: As a side note, this is because my profile mentions that I have a huge crush on a certain singer who just so happens to be Japanese.  IDGAF what color you are as long as you're awesome.]

Introduction

As someone who's been on the internet since the 90s, I have watched the evolution and devolution of this glorious, wonderful, addicting invention.  I've watched a very simple creation of AOL chatrooms and Tripod pages blossom into a complex system of social networking sites, media, and MMOs. 

I had my share of internet romances during the fledgling years, but nothing could have really prepared me for web 2.0 social networking.  Suddenly, everyone was on the internet.  Especially people who couldn't type a complete sentence to save their life.  Where once the geeks and intellectuals reigned supreme, there was now an influx of every type of person you could imagine.  The whole world was on the internet and it was no longer an escape.  It was real life but without censors because anonymity and computer screens made everyone brave.

That anonymity was an even greater tool for bravery than a drink in hand.  If you thought people would say crude or stupid things to you at the bar, you would soon come to learn that that was nothing compared to what they had the balls to say once a computer and a couple of miles was between the two of you.  Some of the messages I received on social networking and dating sites were so crude, so shocking, so completely moronic that I began to save them to share with my friends for a good laugh.  After all, laughter is better than crying or beating your head against a desk. 

So with that in mind, I decided to begin a blog specifically for this nonsense. A place where I could share, vent, and/or bang my head against my desk in a more productive manner.  Thus, PSA was born.  Enjoy!