Do I know you?

Do women even go for this sort of thing?

I guess I could imagine someone looking for a one night stand or someone with low self esteem or maybe just someone from a different sub-culture being OK with this.  But as a nerdy, activist, gamer chick with a well-developed sense of self esteem, I cannot fathom why this sort of thing would be appealing.  This message just comes off as immature and shallow.

But even if they had chosen a different, more innocent word, that still brings us to the issue of "pet names."

I'm sure we all have the friend who calls everyone "hun" like a waitress at some stereotypical diner.  Does this bother me?  Of course not.  First of all they're my friend, and secondly they do this to everyone.  It's just a part of their vernacular and there's nothing more to it.

Now some people only use these terms of endearment for people they're romantically and/or sexually interested in.  Still not necessarily a bad thing (totally OK for my boyfriend to use terms of endearment), but we're getting closer.

What I've come across in the online dating scene is that people will often use these pet names and terms of endearment in their very first email to me.  And they aren't innocuous words like "hun" which are neutral and can be reasonably explained as part of their everyday speech.  No, they are words like "sexy, cutie, hottie, sweetheart, etc" that are overly familiar and clearly directed at people of the sex they're interested in.  These are not the words they would use on their buddies.

The problem with this is that I don't know these people well enough or at all.  Their brazen sense of over-familiarity is uncomfortable, like someone you just met putting their arm around you right after introducing themselves.  Not only is it awkward, but in some cases it can come off as patronizing or sexist.  I have a name, even if it's only a screen name.  You would do well to use it.

Presented without Comment

Long Distance Love

An example of "I wish you were here."  Harmless, but pointless.



Although in this case it should be noted that he clearly can't be that much in love with me if he hasn't read my profile which clearly stated that I was in a relationship at the time of this message.

Formula for Fail

You are really [insert compliment here], except for [insert insult here]..
You are really [insert insult here] , but you are [insert compliment here] .

Ah, the backhanded compliment.  If you are putting one of these in your opening letter... nay, if you are putting one of these in any of your letters... no, if you are anyone other than one of my old female relatives telling me I'd look so much prettier if I'd brush my hair out of my face, then STOP.  You're doing it wrong.

The most common one I get is the "you're so hot... for a goth chick."

Yes, I listen to a lot of goth and postpunk music (and Taylor Swift, Florence & the Machine, and The Gaslight Anthem).  Yes, I have 3 out of 10 photos in "goth clothes" (one from a Halloween cosplay, one from a professional photo shoot, and one from 5 years ago).  Yes, if I was pressed to give myself a label I'd probably default to "goth" or "ex-goth" (but there's no need to pigeonhole me).  But the real question is "why is someone like this messaging me?"

It's clear they have a disdain for something about me, whether it's something that's a large or small part of my life. Why would I want to invite someone like that into my life as a significant other, or even a friend?  This just screams that you want to change me.  Or that you'll spend our relationship insulting me and the things I like.  Further more, it demonstrates how shallow you are and that you probably haven't read my profile.  Nice to know you think I'm hot, but I'm more than a body.

Not to be confused with backhanded compliments:

1. The honest inquiry for compromise - "Wow, you're really awesome and I think we'd be perfect together except that you don't like dogs (and I have one or plan on getting one)."  Sometimes you genuinely do find someone that seems perfect for you aside from their dislike of your pet, children, hobby, etc.   So before you go investing emotions in this person, you want to make sure that a compromise can be reached.  A lot of times these may be confused with the backhanded compliment (or even fall down the slippery slope towards being one) due to phrasing or a lack of further explanation.

2. The whimsical observation - "You're perfect except for your hatred of cauliflower.  That's my favorite food!"  This person isn't trying to insult you, they're just teasing.  'Oh, look at this silly thing we disagree on.'  Now I'm not saying this approach might not annoy some people, but it's harmless and well-intentioned.

3. I wish you were here - "You sound amazing!  Too bad you live so far away."  My level of annoyance with this varies depending on the day.  Yes, it's a genuine compliment, and often I just say "Thank you.  Yes, it's such a shame," but sometimes I get very frustrated.  Here's an awesome person that has just sealed the fate of our potential relationship without even trying.  Are they bad at long distance relationships and too afraid to try?  Are they unwilling to move or don't want to be responsible for someone else moving?  And why is that?  Too much pressure because it might not work out?  Do they just want to be pen-pals but don't know how to ask?  Sometimes I really wish people like this would either A) just simply declare an interest in online friendship or B) not bother messaging at all.

Single & Caffeinated

My single friend Megan has started a blog about her experiences as a single twenty-something.  Please take a moment to check it out. :)


http://singleandcaffeinated.wordpress.com/